My Girlfriend's A What!
by ProtoZivot
Summary: As a Halliwell, dating is a constant struggle. Wyatt learns this the hard way, and who should help him through but Chris. "The date was fantastic. Nothing could ruin my day," Wyatt said. Chris nodded. "I've got something. Your girlfriend's a..."


**Hello again. Here's the next "What would Piper Say?" story. I love writing these. :)**

**A special thank you to Briankrause whose review for Popcorn inspired me to write these. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed. Otherwise there would toatally be a spin off series with Chris. **

**As always Mistakes are mine.**

**Enjoy and Review!**

**Warning: Excessive disgustingness (of the cleanest kind) pertaining to one character…oh ignore that. I just mention slop and dung heaps and rotten fruit…don't look at me like that. *Glares* It will make sense when you read the story.**

**My Girlfriend's a What!**

"Oh no. I'm going to regret asking this, but what?" Chris said despairingly.

Wyatt smiled at him innocently. "What what?"

Chris sighed and shut the book he was reading. "Why do you look like that?" he asked gesturing at his brother.

"Like what?" Wyatt replied simply.

Chris huffed. "Like that."

"Well I'm no science geek, but I'm told it has to do with genes on my chromosomes from my—Hey!" Wyatt said ducking when Chris chucked a pillow at him.

"You know what I mean," Chris said following Wyatt to the kitchen. "Why do you look all fancy and," he leaned in sniffing his brother, "you showered!"

Chris chuckled as Wyatt shoved him away. "No really? What's going on?"

"Nothing," Wyatt answered evasively, refusing to look at his little brother.

Chris raised his eyebrows disbelievingly. "Is that so? Come on…you're dressed all nice. You showered in the morning. You're wearing colon—Oh my god. Tell me you do not have what I think you have," he demanded in one breath.

Wyatt looked at him frankly. "Well how would I know? You're the telepath."

"You have a date," Chris accused.

Wyatt waggled his eyebrows at Chris. "Bingo bro." He picked up the sandwich he'd made heading out of the kitchen. Chris scowled at the mess Wyatt left before scampering after him.

"Wy," he started seriously. "Do I have to remind you of something?"

Wyatt shook his head holding the sandwich in his mouth as he struggled to pull on his jacket.

"Well I'll do it anyway. We are here _grounded_ at home instead of with Mom and Dad because of the last time you saw a pretty face and she turned out to be a freaky power stealing demon that drug us all the way to New York!" Chris snapped.

"Relax," Wyatt said. "It's just a date. And Mom and Dad won't know unless you tell them. You aren't going to tell them are you?"

Chris smiled at him evilly and shrugged.

Wyatt scowled. "Oh you little twerp." He sighed pulling out his wallet.

"You're going to bribe me this time?" Chris asked.

The blonde held up a twenty. "Is it going to work?"

Chris eyed the bill critically before reaching out to take it. "Yes. Do you have any idea how much blackmail I'm accumulating on you?"

Wyatt rolled his eyes. "Not sure I want to know. I'll be back later. You know the drill. Lock the door. Set the crystals—"

"Blah, blah, blah. I know Wy. Get out." Chris said pushing his brother out the door.

Wyatt sniggered walking down the steps. "Aww Chrissy, some people would think you want me gone."

"Yep…and the smart ones would _know_ I want you gone," Chris answered smirking. "Hey, who's the date with?"

Wyatt paused opening the car door. "Naomi Parker. You know from Magic School."

"No I don't. Is she ugly?"

Wyatt glowered. "Chris," he said warningly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Respect," Chris said holding his hands up in the peace gesture. "Is she dumb?"

"Chris!"

"What? She's dating you," Chris said. "Is she at least blind?"

Wyatt huffed getting in the car and driving away. Chris shook his head pulling out his wallet to put the new twenty in. "Works every time," he muttered.

* * *

Wyatt didn't get home until late that night which resulted in him sleeping till noon. Normally, Chris would have woken Wy up before then, but he found himself rather enjoying the silence.

Sadly, said silence ceased to exist the moment Wyatt bounded down the stairs, freshly dressed and showered.

"Hey Chris!" he called happily entering the living room with a bowl of cereal and a can of soda. Chris sighed turning up the volume on the TV.

"Bet you're wondering how it went last night, huh?" Wyatt said taking a large bite of Lucky Charms.

"Not really," Chris muttered increasing the volume again. Wyatt simply talked louder to be heard over it. Chris sighed again hitting the power button. The TV clicked off and Wyatt didn't notice as he continued to prattle on about Naomi this, Naomi that, yaddy yaddy ya.

"Are you going on another date?" Chris asked realizing Wyatt was dressed nice for the second day in a row. Wow…new record! Alert the press!

"Um no…not exactly. Naomi is coming here in about a…soon," Wyatt said glancing at the clock. "So you'll have to make yourself scarce." He shoveled in another sizable bite.

Chris frowned at him. "You're kicking me out of my own house."

"I didn't say you had to leave," Wyatt said around a mouthful of cereal.

"Let's face it Wy. If I stay I'm at the mercy of your sex glands. I'm getting myself out of hearing and empath distance," Chris replied.

"Suit yourself," said Wyatt. "Why's the TV off?"

Chris rolled his eyes, chucking the remote at his brother.

"Ow…rude." Wyatt turned the TV back on switching it to some pathetic sitcom. The brothers watched TV in companionable silence for about an hour when the door bell rang.

"That would be Naomi," Wyatt said heading for the door. "Oh check my hair…" he mumbled skirting to a mirror suddenly.

Chris stood up and answered the door. The girl on the other side was a pretty petite blonde with blue eyes. "Oh," Chris said. "Well you're cute. Boo." He shut the door in her face turning back inside to lean against the wall.

"Chris!" Wyatt cried cuffing his little brother as he walked by. He yanked the door open immediately apologizing . "I'm so sorry Naomi. Chris can be…ah exceedingly obnoxious sometimes."

"Oh bite me," Chris muttered. "She's the reason I have to find somewhere to go that isn't here."

Wyatt scowled at him.

"It's fine," Naomi said sweetly looping an arm with one of Wyatt's, "I'm used to people being rude to me."

Wyatt led her inside and Chris caught a scent of something nauseating as she passed. He gagged slightly but the smell was gone quickly, replaced with the aroma of fresh fruit. Chris watched Wyatt lead her to the kitchen. Shrugging he turned around for his jacket which he realized was in the kitchen. Crap. Like he wanted anywhere near those love birds. He sighed heading back to the room as Wyatt came jogging out and headed up the stairs.

Chris walked into the kitchen just in time to see Naomi swallow an entire apple from the bowl of rotten fruit that needed to be thrown out.

He blinked. "I saw that."

Naomi looked up surprised. "Saw what?" she asked softly.

Chris eyed her warily. "I'm not sure what I saw…but I saw that."

"Oh," Naomi said. She clasped her hands delicately at her stomach watching Chris intently.

Chris shuffled sideways, grabbing his jacket and tossing one last odd look at Naomi as he left.

* * *

Chris went back home around midnight. He'd spent most of the day at Grandpa's playing board games and bashing Wyatt's new found love. Victor was extremely amused by this, but didn't hesitate to tell Chris to keep most of his thoughts to himself while around Naomi and Wyatt. "If Wyatt likes the girl, and you don't think she's a demon, you would do well not to mess anything up," he had said. Where was the fun in that?

Naomi hadn't been at the Manor when he'd arrive home so Chris had been able to go to bed and sleep in peace. Thank the Elders. Chris slept in late for once, not heading downstairs until around eleven o'clock the next day to find Wyatt messing around in the kitchen.

"Oh no…Seriously Wy! If you wanted something to eat why oh why didn't you just come and get me," Chris moaned at the sight of the filthy kitchen with tons of dirty dishes and a plate filled with food good only for the garbage disposal. Looking closer at the pile of garbage destined food, Chris had no doubt that not all of the mess was from this morning and a good bit had come from yesterday. Well screw it, look at what happened when he and Mom weren't around to clean anything. Chris huffed, more than annoyed.

"Sorry," Wyatt said sheepishly. He was wearing beige colored goop on the front of his apron and looked like he'd dumped flour over his head. "Do you want a pancake?" he asked holding out a plate with oval blobs on it.

Chris eyed said blobs closely before raising his disbelieving gaze to Wyatt. "No," he said shortly. "I wouldn't touch your pancakes with a ten foot pole, let alone eat them."

Wyatt frowned. "Well you're rude today, not that it's a big change from any other day. It just usually takes more than three minutes for you to insult me in the morning."

"Bite me," Chris grumbled.

"Where?"

"Shut up."

Wyatt stuck his tongue out at his brother. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

Chris glared at him while playing a dangerous game of Pick up Dishes to unbury the coffee pot. "No. Someone just got an unpleasant surprise when they came down stairs."

"Oh bite me," Wyatt reiterated scowling.

"Never," Chris shot back. "Wouldn't want to get diseased."

Wyatt's mouth dropped in shock. "Why you little—"

He was cut off as the doorbell chimed. "Saved by the bell," Chris quipped. "You gonna get that?"

"Are you?" Wyatt asked.

Chris contemplated it for a moment. "No."

Wyatt sighed pulling off the apron and striding out of the kitchen. Chris bent down retrieving the apron from the floor where Wyatt had dropped it. He wrinkled his nose delicately at the messy garment before tossing it in the washer. He needed to wash towels anyway.

Chris froze hearing the unmistakable voice of Naomi from the foyer. Oh this day just starting _wonderfully._ She giggled at some no doubt unimaginative remark his big brother had said, before the sound of her heels clicking on the floor headed in the direction of the kitchen.

Chris debated dashing back into the washroom to pretend that he wasn't here and avoid Naomi's presence entirely and was actually in the process of doing so when Naomi rounded the corner. Damn, he needed to learn to make up his mind faster. He froze half hoping she wouldn't see him.

Naomi's lips curved upward in a smile. "I can see you Chris," she said.

Dang. Hope crushed.

"Are you sure?" he asked. Never hurt to check.

Naomi nodded. "Quite sure."

"Oh. Well ya can't blame a guy for trying." Chris sighed heading to the sink instead to start washing Mt. Dirtdish. He filled up one sink with hot soapy water proceeding to deposit dishes in it. He snatched the plate of so called 'pancakes' and dumped them in the garbage disposal. The machine growled, chowing down hungrily on the failures at cooking. Chris turned around to get the other plate of slop and stopped short at the sight of Naomi eating it with a fork. The plate that had previously been piled high with spoiled this and that was now half empty.

Naomi smiled shamefacedly at him. "Sorry," she said. "It was delicious." She held the plate out to him.

"Really?" asked Chris. "Cause my word was gross." He accepted the plate unwillingly and dumped the rest of the food down the disposal. Sliding the plate into the soapy water, he smiled uncertainly at Naomi and slipped out of the kitchen. As soon as he was out of her sight he took off running. He rounded the corner to the stairs sharply nearly slamming into Wyatt.

"Watch it," Wyatt said. "Did Naomi find you in the kitchen? She said she was hungry."

Chris blinked at him. "Yes she definitely ate something," he said finally, debating on whether or not to tell Wyatt what it was she ate exactly.

"Oh good, cause we're gonna do some shopping or something first then have lunch. Then we're gonna see a movie and maybe go bowling or something afterwards. Anyway I'll be gone pretty much all day," Wyatt said. "So don't do anything to get in trouble, kay?"

Chris nodded dismissively. "I think there's something wrong with your girlfriend."

Wyatt looked at him confused. "Huh? Wrong like demon wrong?"

Chris frowned and shook his head. "_No_. More like weird and creep you out wrong."

"Chris," Wyatt said patiently. "There's nothing wrong with Naomi."

Chris bit his lip leaning in closer to his brother. "Are you sure?" he whispered intently.

Wyatt rolled his eyes. "Yes. She passed all of Phoebe's tests."

"You tested her?" Chris asked surprised.

"Yes," Wyatt admitted. "And she passed with flying colors. So I repeat. Nothing is wrong."

"Right. Well if you're sure…"

"I'm positive."

Chris nodded. "Have fun on your _date_ then."

"I will. Thank you Chris," Wyatt said ignoring Chris's sarcastic tone.

* * *

Chris checked his watch again. Three hours, forty two minutes, and thirty six seconds since Wyatt had left with Naomi. Not that Chris was timing the date or anything. No, absolutely not. Chris would never do such a thing. That was something parents did, or big brothers, or little brothers who thought their big brother had gone on a date with some kind of creepy gross monster thing from a magical world that ate human beings….Damn he was timing the date.

He groaned. Okay, he admitted it, he was worried. But who wouldn't be, he reasoned. After all Naomi was just…not normal. Chris wasn't sure what she was, but normal was not it. Not even by his standards, which being a witch and Elder hybrid were pretty low. Even compared to his brother's standards Chris's were low, cause he was pretty sure there were more Wyatts and Paiges floating around in the world than Christophers. Face it really; not all whitelighters could be sticklers for the rules and Chris failed to believe the only two who would break them were connected to his family. However Chris could definitely see the Elders sticking to all the rules and never 'fraternizing' with the Earthlings. Unless of course they were like the Greek gods running around and making little Demielders all over the place and sending them to some sort of Camp Half-Gold Robed Sticks in the Mud or—Damn ADHD he was getting distracted again.

Three hours, forty three minutes, and fifty two seconds. He was so not timing the date.

Naomi was probably just some creepy girl with weird food tastes.

Three hours, fifty one minutes, and thirty eight seconds. He was so timing the date.

Naomi was probably some sort of freaky monstrous cannibal.

Three hours, fifty seven minutes, and thirteen seconds. He was so not timing the date.

Naomi was just a regular girl with an eating disorder.

Four hours. He was so timing the date.

Naomi was a horrifying fiend whose favorite dish was long pig.

Four hours, sixteen seconds.

The sound of shimmering startled Chris from his thoughts. He spun around launching a knife at the blur before it even fully formed.

Riley dropped to the floor with a piercing scream as the athame thudded solidly into the wall behind him. He peaked cautiously over the couch at his brunette friend.

"All you had to say is you didn't want my company right now," Riley whispered loudly to Chris pushing his glasses back up his nose.

Chris rolled his eyes at the shaggy haired half-manticore, summoning the athame back telekinetically. "Oh get over it. I missed anyway."

Riley's eyes widened comically. "Get over it! You almost sliced and diced me. What if I hadn't ducked? What would you have done then?" he demanded.

"Led my life in relative peace without your constant nagging," Chris retorted glancing at his watch.

Riley's jaw dropped and he looked scandalized. "Now you listen here…I do not nag! And I almost had a piece of steel embedded ten inches in my brain! Your that good of a shot; I should _know_."

"Don't be so overdramatic Ry. The blade's only six inches long," Chris huffed. He checked his watch again.

Petulantly, Riley crossed his arms and clenched his jaw refusing to look at his friend.

"What?" Chris asked. Riley didn't answer turning his back to Chris.

"Oh come on. What are you? Three?" Chris said. He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry alright. I'm sorry I threw the blade before knowing who it was first." Riley relaxed turning around mouth open to speak. "Next time I'll make sure it's you and I'll aim lower," Chris couldn't resist adding.

Riley gaped at him, brown eyes blazing angrily.

"What?" Chris said.

"_You_…you…you…" Riley sputtered.

"Me?…me?…me?…"

"You _scoundrel_. I hate you," Riley bit out finally.

Chris frowned looking at his watch again. "Scoundrel? Really?" Chris shook his head disbelievingly. "Wow. Why are you here? You know Wy and I are grounded."

Riley heaved an enormous sigh dropping down on the couch next to the witch. "Like that's ever stopped any of us. What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

Riley stared at him. "You're sitting in the attic looking through the Book, checking your watch constantly, and you're meaner than usual. Why?"

Chris pursed his lips. "You know Naomi?" he asked.

Riley frowned. "The blond bimbo your brother is practically obsessed with? Yeah…Why?"

"There's something wrong with her."

Riley raised his eyebrows. "Wrong with her how? Like demon wrong?" he asked worriedly. "Cause if you say yes I'm shimmering to where ever TB is and shimmerin' his butt back here and—"

"No," Chris cut him off. "Like weird and creep you out wrong."

"Oh. How creepy?"

Chris frowned thoughtfully. "She ate a rotten apple and then devoured a plate of slop."

Riley wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Eww."

Chris nodded thumbing through the Book again. "My sentiments exactly. The thing is Wyatt said he tested her and she was at Magic School which means she can't be a demon."

Riley shrugged. "Not necessarily. I've been to Magic School."

Chris blinked at him, then flipped a page unconcernedly. "So. You aren't a demon."

Riley stared at Chris dumbfounded. "Yes I am," he said slowly.

Chris blinked at him again before realization dawned. "Ooohhh. Right. I forgot."

"You forgot? I just _shimmered_ into your attic."

Now it was Chris's turn to shrug. "Well it's not like you act like a demon," he argued. "You screamed like a little girl when I threw a knife at you."

"That's because I'm _normal_. A normal person screams when a blade of flying death nearly impales their head. Only you Halliwells don't. _You_ laugh half the time," Riley retorted. "And I don't scream like a little girl."

"Dude…it was higher pitched than _Peri_."

"Was not!"

"Sure. Next time I'll record it."

"Fine…wait next time? There isn't going to be a next time. No more shimmering into the same room as you for Riley. I want my head hole-less," Riley said.

"Your head already has holes," Chris pointed out condescendingly. "They're called ears."

"Fine. No holes made by foreign objects," Riley huffed.

Chris chucked. "Guess I won't go into how your ears were made then."

Riley gaped at him. "It is impossible to win an argument with you isn't it?" he asked rhetorically.

"Well you should know. You and Wy have been trying for the last sixteen years," Chris said smirking.

"Yes trying and failing. Do you want me to help you look?" Riley asked gesturing to the Book.

Chris pursed his lips before shrugging. "Wouldn't hurt to have another pair of eyes. Just don't try to touch it," he said adjusting the Book so Riley could see it.

"Now he remembers I'm part demon," Riley muttered.

Chris frowned at the half-manticore. "You know something Ry? Aside comments aren't meant to be heard by the person you're talking about."

Riley just stuck his tongue out at the witch. Chris shook his head. "Are you seventeen or seven?" he asked.

"What am I looking for?" Riley questioned ignoring Chris's jibe .

"Anything to do with rotten food, pretty girls, and nauseating smells," Chris answered.

"Well that narrows it down," Riley said.

Chris laughed humorlessly. "You got that right. It cuts out what? Like the entire angel section. Which is comprised of about this much," he said holding up a very tiny portion of pages.

Riley smiled wanly. "_Yay_. The things we do for your brother."

"And you have that right...maybe you are slightly intelligent."

Chris and Riley looked through the Book, scanning page after page for what Naomi could be. Around four hours and two bags of potato chips later Riley suddenly exclaimed: "That one." He reached out to point at said page when the Book leaped away from Chris's hand falling shut with dull thud in the middle of the attic.

Chris turned to glare at the half-demon. "Oops," Riley said.

"Ooohh. If I can't find that page you're target practice," Chris threatened standing to retrieve the Book.

Riley gulped. "It was after the ogre page," he said helpfully.

Chris nodded flipping through the pages. "Found it. Lucky you," Chris announced a couple minutes later. He cleared his throat reading: "_A troll. A troll is a magical being of relative neutrality. Choosing no definitive side, they are frequently regarded as outside the spectrum of good and evil. They often are easy to identify if one knows the signs. Most magical beings can also sense a troll's presence, however a troll is capable of masking this. Although generally repulsive in appearance and hygiene a troll has the ability to project an image of beauty and captivating scent_," Chris paused. "Oh well that explains it."

He continued reading: "_Trolls also have a desire for rotten and stale foods. The farther along in the decaying process something is, the happier they are to eat it._" Chris wrinkled his nose in revulsion. "_Trolls generally reside in rural areas of the magical realm causing little to no issues in the mortal world. All in all trolls are nothing to worry about. If you encounter one and have any problems you will most likely be able to settle it civilly. There is rarely a need to vanquish one,"_ he finished. "Well that takes the fun out of it." He sighed relived though. At least Wyatt wasn't in any danger from her. Except for lice or something.

"I think it's a relief," Riley said. "All we have to do is get Wyatt to dump her."

"I like you," Chris said brightly punching Riley's arm playfully.

"Really," Riley replied. "Cause sometimes I'm not so sure. Like when you're chucking a knife at my head for example."

"Yes I'm sure. You're a genius. Let me know how Wy takes it," Chris said making to leave.

"Oh no," Riley said grabbing Chris's arm. "I'm not telling TB his girlfriend's a troll. You are."

"Why do I have to?" Chris demanded.

"Cause you're his brother," Riley said.

"Well you're his best friend."

"Brother trumps best friend."

"Says who?" Chris said.

Riley smiled at him. "Says me."

"Well you died and made you boss?" Chris asked sullenly.

Riley glared at him as the two boys made their way downstairs.

"Oh alright scaredy cat. I'll tell Wy his girlfriend's a troll."

"I'm not a scaredy cat," Riley scoffed.

"Just admit it Ry. The only reason you won't tell Wy is because you're afraid he'll blow you up," Chris said mockingly.

"Well at least you'll be able to reform," Riley grumbled taking a seat in the living room.

"Yay," Chris said. "Lucky me."

The half demon snickered."Yeah…you Halliwells always are. Video game?" he suggested hopefully.

* * *

"So how was the date?" Chris asked from his seat at the table as Wyatt entered the kitchen. Riley had left a bit before Wyatt had come home, making sure he was clear of what he called the 'Nuclear Wyatt Fallout Zone'. Wyatt moved around grabbing things from the cupboards.

The blonde sighed dreamily as he smeared jelly on a slice bread. "Fantastic," he breathed. "Nothing could ruin my day."

"Really?" Chris snatched an apple out of the bowl of fresh fruit and took a bite. "Well I've got something. Your girlfriend's a troll," he said.

"She was so amazing and—What!" Wyatt exclaimed dropping the knife on the counter. "Why would you say that?"

Chris arched his eyebrows at his brother. "Cause she is."

"She is not!"

"Ah huh."

"Chris, what would make you say Naomi is a troll? I mean where do you come up with this stuff?" Wyatt said.

"I didn't 'come up with it'. I found it in the Book," Chris said.

"Oh really. And the Book told you Naomi's a troll."

"No…Yes…No," said Chris. "It just confirmed my suspicions."

Wyatt shook his head. "Naomi is not a troll."

"She _inhaled_ an apple," Chris stated.

Wyatt huffed. "So she eats fast. What's the problem?"

"A _rotten_ apple."

"Maybe she didn't notice."

Chris smiled at him. "It was growing green hair. Trust me she noticed. She also ate a plate of slop."

Wyatt scowled leveling his little brother with a steady stare. "Naomi is not a troll. I think I would notice if my girlfriend was a freakishly gross monster."

Wordlessly Chris orbed the Book to the table. He opened it to the troll page and shoved it at his brother.

Frowning Wyatt looked down at the page skimming through the words. His eyes widened and he covered his mouth with his hands.

"Oh my god. She is a troll," he stuttered. "My day is _ruined!_"

Chris laughed dragging the book back to him. "I had a feeling. This is just priceless. First comes the demon…second comes the troll…then comes Wyatt with the—"

"Oh shut up," said Wyatt smacking Chris upside the head. "You think this is sooo funny."

"No, I think it's hilarious."

"What am I going to do! I can't date a troll!" Wyatt shouted nearly hyperventilating.

Chris gazed at him disappointed. "I really thought you were smarter than this. Why don't you…oh I don't know…_**Dump**_ her."

"Dump her? Dump a _troll,_" Wyatt said.

Chris nodded. "Yeah. That's the traditional way to get rid of a girl."

"She's a troll!" Wyatt exploded throwing up his hands in frustration. "I can't just _dump _a _troll_!" The light overhead shattered and Chris shut his eyes as a fine shower of glass landed on him and his apple. Chris sighed.

"Why not?" he said irritably. He reached up picking the larger pieces of glass out of his sandy hair. "It's not like she's going to come after you or anything. She's not demonic. Just…a freakishly gross monster that eats garbage and sleeps in dung heaps."

Wyatt turned slightly green no doubt imagining his beautiful Naomi wolfing down some disgusting thing, but his expression brightened. "You're right. That means I can just talk to her. Tell her that I can't date a troll."

Chris blinked at him. "Yes. Cause that will end well."

"I don't need your sarcasm right now Chris," Wyatt said frowning.

"Maybe not. But I have a feeling you need my advice."

"Oh and what would that be?"

"Dump her like a normal American teenage boy with no explanation," Chris stated.

"Well that sounds mean," said Wyatt.

Chris scoffed at him. "It's not supposed to be nice. That's the point. How exactly are you going to tell a troll that you don't want to date her?"

"Well," Wyatt said slowly. "I'll tell her the truth."

"Yeah," Chris drawled, "Because that always works. Tell me, how do you think she'll respond when you tell her you don't want to date her because she's a, and I quote, 'freakishly gross monster'?"

"Fine. I'll tell her it's me instead of her."

"Lovely idea, cause that line is always so well received."

"Fine," Wyatt repeated, "Have you got any great ideas, genius?"

Chris gaped at him. "I told you mine. Two words. _Dump. Her_," he said holding up two fingers.

Wyatt sighed going to drop the knife in the sink. "You're right. I'll break up with her tomorrow." He turned back around as Chris spoke.

"Well thanks for acknowledging the fact. So tomorrow you'll—oh my god!" Chris exclaimed hands flying to his mouth in shock as he scrambled out of his seat. "Your…your um," he said waving his hands around his face.

"What?" Wyatt asked completely baffled by Chris's actions.

Chris continued to gesture silently for a moment before orbing a mirror to himself and handing it to Wyatt. The blonde took it holding it up to look in. "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME! MY FACE! WHAT?" Wyatt yelled shifting wildly from staring at Chris to the mirror. He reached up hesitantly touching his now extremely pointy ear. His nose was bigger, his skin a grey color, eyes larger than normal, and the warts… "Oh my god. What? What? What?" Wyatt repeated looking to Chris for the answer.

Chris's eyes widened. "Why are you looking at me for? I don't know!"

"Well what am I going to do? I can't stay like this! Mom and Dad are coming home tomorrow," Wyatt cried.

Chris shrugged slightly. "Maybe it will wear off," he said.

"Well what if it doesn't?"

"Maybe no one will notice?" the brunette suggested.

Wyatt slapped his hands on the counter. "Chris! I look like a freakin troll! Someone's gonna notice!"

Chris blinked. "Look like a troll…oh no."

"_Oh no_? I don't like those words from your mouth. What do you mean _oh no_?" Wyatt asked panicked.

"Relax," Chris said, "I have to go to Magic School ."

"You're going to Magic School now? What about _me_!"

Chris glared at him. "I'm going to Magic School _because _of you, stupid. Now are you staying here or coming with?" he asked holding out a hand.

Wyatt huffed taking the proffered hand and allowing Chris to orb him to the school. They reappeared in a random hallway, Chris leading the way to the library in a determined fashion. Wyatt followed quickly keeping an eye out for people. Couldn't let anyone see him like…well like 'this'. He looked like a troll for Christ's sake.

They slipped into the library, Chris making a beeline for some shelf. Wyatt spotted the librarian talking behind the book shelf and yanked Chris down bodily behind a desk as she and unknown someone came into view. Wyatt put his hand over Chris's mouth to stave off the inevitable questions ignoring the brunette's glare. He saw Chris's eyes widen as he too noticed the two teachers. The boys froze, praying they weren't discovered. They were grounded and if any of the teachers saw them here they would be sure to tell Leo when he came back from vacation. And then there would be trouble with a capital T.

Chris sighed shoving off Wyatt's hand as the two professors left, footsteps and voices fading away. They remained on the floor several more moments to make sure the coast was clear.

"You smell like a dumpster," Chris whispered. Wyatt sniffed himself and wrinkled his nose in distaste. He sat up getting off his little brother and offering Chris a hand. Chris took it letting Wyatt haul him to his feet. He moved through the shelves again, more careful this time before pulling down a tome. He crouched on the floor flipping through the pages.

"What are you looking for?" Wyatt asked.

Chris answered finally stopping on a page. "This." As far as Wyatt could tell it was an article on trolls. Chris was silent for a minute skimming through the text. "It says here that when a being that is not a troll kisses a troll they are transformed into one. I take it you kissed Naomi?"

"Wait," Wyatt said, "So if a troll randomly kisses someone they would turn into a troll? That's mean."

Chris shook his head. "No _the person_ has to kiss the troll voluntarily. It doesn't work the other way."

"Fine. Whatever. Just tell me its reversible," said Wyatt.

Chris smiled and held the book up. "There's a potion. Let's go."

Wyatt nodded and orbed back home, Chris right behind him.

"Okay, first it's not a drinking potion so we'll need a tub and fill it with water," Chris instructed.

Wyatt huffed. "Where am I supposed to get that?"

"I don't know," Chris replied gathering the other ingredients. "Find one."

Wyatt pursed his lips annoyed. "Fine."He paced back in forth while his brother shifted through the large cabinet for god knows what and started chanting.

"In this time of need,

I must help my bud.

My plea I beg you to heed,

And give a water filled tub."

Chris arched his eyebrows in shock as a large tub of water appeared in the attic. Wyatt grinned doing a little victory dance.

"I cannot believe that worked," Chris remarked dryly. He moved over to the tub beginning to toss in ingredients left, right, and center. The water turned a bright pink color and gained the consistency of runny pudding. "Get in," Chris ordered turning back to get more components. Wyatt orbed up some towels and complied, stripping quickly and sitting in the tub. He shivered slightly.

"Dang, it's cold," he remarked.

Chris chuckled flinging some other stuff in.

"Ow, watch where you're throwing that," Wyatt complained as several hard chunks of unknown material hit him in the head.

"Sorry," Chris said sounding anything but. He chucked something else in and the potion poofed up in smoke.

Wyatt coughed. "Does that mean it's done?" he croaked.

Chris rolled his eyes. "What does the smoke puff usually mean, genius?"

"You don't have to be rude," Wyatt said.

"Sorry. It's encoded in my genes."

"Sure it is," Wyatt huffed. He poked at the pink goo before reaching up to feel his ear. It was still pointy. "It's not working," he said.

Chris stared at him. "Yes. Thank you Captain Obvious. I can see it's not working," the brunette snapped. He snatched the book off the table rereading the passage.

Wyatt swished the goo around frowning. He so didn't want to be stuck like this. Maybe he could just glamour himself for the rest of his life.

Chris squinted at the tiny text coming to stand next to the tub. "Ohhh. You _are_ supposed to drink it. Oops my bad."

"I hate you," said Wyatt fixing Chris with his glare of death.

Chris smiled at him. "I know. Now chug."

Wyatt sank beneath the surface for a few seconds and when he reappeared he was back to ordinary.

"How do I look? " Wyatt sputtered.

Chris made a show of inspecting him closely. "Normal enough…you know for you," he replied.

Wyatt splashed his little brother with some of the potion making Chris jump back with a disgusted expression.

"Eww," Chris said scraping some of the goo off.

"Serves you right, now hand me a towel," Watt ordered.

Chris stuck his tongue out at Wyatt. "Get it yourself."

"Alright," Wyatt said standing up.

"No! Oh my god! Sit down!" Chris shouted covering his eyes with a hand. He groped behind him blindly for the towel and flung it in Wy's direction.

"Thank you," Wyatt said in a sing song voice.

Chris huffed. "I think my eyes are bleeding. Excuse me while I go find some bleach."

"Drama queen!" Wyatt called after his brother.

"Donkey butt! Go take a freakin' shower!"

* * *

Chris sipped at his coffee listening to the muffled conversation between his big brother and his train wreck of a girlfriend Naomi. He checked his watch. Wyatt had been talking to her for nearly half an hour and it was almost two o'clock now.

"I'm really sorry, Naomi. But I just don't think this is going to work out," Wyatt said sincerely finally getting to the point.

"What?" Naomi's shrill voice asked. "Are you breaking up with me?" She sounded close to tears.

"Naomi…I'm sorry. I really am. But I—"

"Just don't think it will 'work' out right? Is that the only explanation I'm going to get!"

"I'm sorry—"

"No! Don't even say that again. You know something Wyatt Halliwell! I thought you were a nice person. But I learned my lesson." There was a fast clicking of heels on the floor and the front door was yanked open.

"Naomi…"

"You're a JERK! Just like every other human being!" Naomi screamed. The door slammed shut with an ear splitting crack and Chris heard an audible sigh from his big brother.

The blonde walked into the kitchen leaning against the island across from Chris. He sighed heavily with a deep frown and began drawing random shapes on the glossy surface with his index finger. Chris offered him a gentle smile and slid a mug across the counter to his big brother. Wyatt picked it up, lacing his fingers around the hot beverage.

"Hmm, yum. Hot chocolate with little marshmallows," he took a sip. "Oh. Dark Chocolate sensation. My favorite. Thank you."

Chris just nodded taking a drink of his coffee. "You okay?"

Wyatt was silent for a moment. "Yeah. Perks of being a Halliwell I guess huh?" he paused. "I just really liked her and I feel kinda bad."

Chris laughed softly. "Sounds like you. Everyone assumes you're this big bad, apathetic, Twice Blessed, demon hunter and in reality you're like this big fluffy teddy bear that feels terrible for squashing a bug."

Wyatt chuckled shaking his head. "Oh, the things you come up with."

Chris smiled. "Yeah. Anyway I was thinking…after everything that happened maybe we should, you know, stay _out_ of trouble today."

Wyatt nodded taking another drink of the hot chocolate. "Sounds good. What'd you have in mind?"

Chris grinned. "Well I was thinking…pause for dramatic effect…Extended edition Lord of the Rings marathon!" He did a silent cheer that set Wyatt off laughing.

"Oh come on Chris," Wyatt gasped out.

"What? You like Gimli's character don't you? He's just like you. Plus it will take us like ten hours to watch them all."

"Yeah, but those movies are like ancient."

Chris looked offended. "They are not," he retorted. "They're only like twenty years old. Someday they'll be classics…like _Casablanca, Gone With the Wind,_ or_ Les Miserables_."

"Less miserable what?" Wyatt asked confused.

"_Les Miserables_," Chris said. "It's _French_."

"Oh…for less miserable?"

"No. For _The Miserable Ones_, where did you learn your French?"

Wyatt shrugged, draining his mug. "Whatever. One question before we start your marathon."

"What's that?" Chris said.

"Popcorn or whatever you're picking?" Wyatt asked grinning. It was a tradition between the boys to battle out the snack choice for any movie they watched.

Chris smirked. "Rock, paper, scissors. Three out of five."

* * *

Piper unlocked the door walking into the abnormally quiet house. It may have been nearly midnight, but hello, teenage boys. Can anyone say noise? "Boys?" she called out exchanging a worried look with Leo.

She hung up her coat and set her purse on the table. "Boys?" she called again striding through the foyer, heels clicking on the floor. The sound of the TV came from the living room and Piper headed that way. She sighed in relief rounding the corner to find both her of her babies sound asleep on the couch. Wyatt was sprawled out taking up nearly the entire piece of furniture with his legs hanging off the end, and Chris was curled up on the one cushion allotted to him. There was a bowl of half eaten trail mix teetering precariously between the two, and Piper could imagine the fight between that. Popcorn vs. Trail Mix; Wyatt vs. Chris. Looked like Chris had won.

Piper glanced at the television surprised to see Lord of the Rings playing. Looked like Chris had won with more than the snack choice. Piper chuckled as Leo came up behind her. He wrapped his arms around her waist resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Do you think they stayed out of trouble?" he asked quietly.

Piper shook her head. "Not a chance."

Her husband chuckled moving farther into the house. Piper smiled arranging a blanket over Wyatt and rescuing the bowl of trail mix. Wyatt didn't so much a shift as she tucked the blanket around him. She grabbed another one draping it carefully over the sleeping form of her youngest child. He stirred slightly, and Piper sighed in relief when he didn't wake.

Piper made her way upstairs pausing when she noticed the attic door open. With the children, specifically the younger cousins now, often in the Manor the older wiccans had taken to keeping the door shut. Piper flicked on the light looking for any signs of things out of place. The Book was open on its pedestal, and she walked over glancing at the page. _Troll._ She frowned. Chris must have been looking through it again, she thought closing the family heirloom.

She was about to leave when she noticed a potion vial on the floor. Picking it up, Piper returned it to its proper place and saw a sheet of paper. There was no heading to indicate what it was, but there was no doubt it was some sort of potion. Piper squinted at the bottom. _Ingest__ potion to reverse effects of a Troll's Kiss. _

Ooohhh. Piper looked between the potion and the ingredients realizing the ones for the potion were indeed depleted from where they had been.

"Oooh, you two have so much explaining to do misters," she muttered stalking from the attic. Tomorrow those boys would wish they'd turned into trolls.

* * *

_The next day…_

"This is all _your_ fault," Wyatt muttered running a hand over his sweaty brow. His arms ached to the point where they felt like they were going to fall off and his back protested every movement he made. He glared at his brother who looked just as miserable as he did, if not more.

"_My fault_?" Chris hissed. He shoved back his damp hair irritably. "How on earth is any of this _my fault!" _Wyatt was blaming _him _for the fact that Naomi was a troll and he'd gone out with her when they were both grounded? All Chris had done was help his brother and _what did he get_? A friggin' toothbrush for his trouble.

"Well _you_ left the potion on the table for her to find," Wyatt snapped. He moved forward to another spot groaning at the ache in his knees from kneeling on the floor so long.

Chris scoffed. "_I did_? No, I told _you_ to put it in my room so I could add it to the book later."

"What _made_ you think I would? _You_ were the one who cleaned up."

"Well _you_—" Chris started.

"Less talk, more scrubbing," Piper ordered from her position of absolute leisure on the sofa. She peered over at her boys. "Unless you want to do the bathrooms too?" she asked innocently.

Both boys shook their heads empathically and returned to their scrubbing with vehemence.

"Well _you_ were the one who kissed a troll in the first place," Chris whispered harshly.

Wyatt scowled. "What so it's my fault were scrubbing floors with toothbrushes?"

"Yes Wyatt, it is _definitely your fault_."

Wyatt stuck his tongue out flicking water off his toothbrush at his little brother. Chris flinched as the water hit his face. He grabbed the bucket dumping the entire contents over Wyatt's head. Wyatt sputtered eliciting a satisfied grin from the brunette.

"Clean that up," Piper said from the couch. "And you're scrubbing the bathrooms now too."

Wyatt's expression fell despondently and he jabbed a finger at Chris. "_That_ is your fault," he growled.

Chris shrugged with a grin. No use denying it, especially since it was so worth seeing his brother look like a drowned rat.

"Guilty as charged."

* * *

_Revised Book of Shadows entry for Troll: _

_(__**Bold is Wyatt, **__Italics is Chris)_

A troll. A troll is a magical being of relative neutrality. Choosing no definitive side, they are frequently regarded as outside the spectrum of good and evil. They often are easy to identify if one knows the signs. Most magical beings can also sense a troll's presence, however a troll is capable of masking this. Although generally repulsive in appearance and hygiene a troll has the ability to project an image of beauty and captivating scent.

Trolls also have a desire for rotten and stale foods. The farther along in the decaying process something is, the happier they are to eat it. Trolls generally reside in rural areas of the magical realm causing little to no issues in the mortal world. All in all trolls are nothing to worry about. If you encounter one and have any problems you will most likely be able to settle it civilly. There is rarely a need to vanquish one. **(You may want to though)**

_The easiest sign to notice if a person is a troll is they __will__ seek out any and all rotten foods in your home. A simple test to verify if someone is a troll is to hand them a rotten apple. If they inhale it then they're a troll. If they hand it back in disgust you can proceed to the next test. (see Warlock, Demon, Evil Witch, Witch, Spirit, Wendigo, Werewolf, WoogyMan, Vampire, etc). _

**Chances are any troll you meet will be very, very pretty—don't let that fool you. Most importantly, if you even ****think**** that someone is a troll, ****DO NOT KISS THEM.**** If you do you'll turn into a troll. **_You will suffer the effects of a Troll's Kiss (see "All Magical Beings Explained" by Jacksoni Andrews) which means you will be transformed into a troll._** Your ears will be pointy, your****skin will turn grey, your eyes will become the size of golf balls, and you'll smell like a garbage can. This won't happen instantaneously either. Could take a day or so. Luckily if you do kiss a troll there is a reversal potion that you ****DRINK****. **

_Details on the reversal potion can be seen below. Make sure you __INGEST__ (that means drink) the potion. _

**The potion should be bright pink in color and have the consistency of runny pudding.**

_Add the ingredients in the order listed below…_

* * *

**The End. It was a bit different writing style than I usually do with all the scene breakes and stuff but I hope it was okay... **

**So drop me a review please?**

**AN: Chris came off as a little rude but I kinda liked it.**

**AN2: Incase someones curious. Long Pig is a term used to define human flesh as eaten by a cannibal. Weird huh. Chris has and overactive imagination, but then he is a Halliwell . You never know.**

**AN3: The site here was being very funky, so if something is like totally strange or wrong...I'm sorry. **

**Keep and eye out (if you want) for the next installment of "What would Piper Say?" Guilty as Charged in which Chris send himself, the entire manor, and Wyatt back to the time of the Witch hunts. Fun. :)**

**To any The Other Side Readers: I have gotten farther in Charpter 16 and hope to have it up soon. **


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